for me to look back at what I just wrote in early May. So many changes have occurred since then. I have now started down the path of becoming an initiate in selfsame tradition I complained about before.

*Shakes head, with amused chuckle*

I can’t say that anything changed in a logical manner or even that a specific sequence of events led me here. I honestly can’t even remember when everything shifted, but I don’t think it was actually too long after those posts. I believe I knew by June or July, at the latest, that I wanted to ask for initiation.

It was as if a switch had suddenly flipped. I was in the dark and didn’t get it or want it, and then, suddenly, I did. I began to understand and accept things I didn’t connect with at all before. And it was an entirely inner process of change; no one sat me down and tried to “convince me” or “make me understand” anything. Of course, that’s really not the way of this group anyway. If you don’t truly desire to participate or learn, why would they chase you down?

I do remember that around the time of my last dedicate’s class, which I think was in late July or August (?)–I’ll have to check on the date–I began to feel a pressure. I felt something inside my belly and chest throbbing, almost a heat, whenever I thought about or heard someone mention initiation or being an initiate. A few times I felt it at the back of my head, too. I also once heard someone repeat, in a whisper, but a powerfully compelling one, “Initiate. Initiate.” And, of course, I myself began to want it. I began to finally feel a part of this group, the teaching grove I was in as well as the “mother coven.” I began to feel proud to be associated with them, to be proud of them and their integrity and power. I had always referred to them as “the group I’m studying with,”  and said “in their tradition.” The first time I caught myself calling it “my tradition,” I was a little surprised, but decided there might be something there to look at more closely.

Another part of it may have been the work that began with A New Earth earlier in the year. My ego and pride definitely began to break apart from assimilating that material, and I think I had a lot of prideful reactions to things I experienced in the Grove. My main pain and fear was feeling left out, slighted, or being disliked/unimportant. It’s amazing how much you can mistakenly read into conversations or situations when you approach everything from that place of pain and fear, even without knowing you’re doing so. I’d say a lot, if not all, of that has completely dissolved for me, which is quite freeing and illuminating.

So far, it has been a slow process, probably exacerbated because I am so stubborn when it comes to someone else telling me what to do. (I have a strong intuitive sense of what is right and wrong for me and am more mystic than ritualist, which makes for an interesting interaction with traditionalists. I have found, however, that personal practice [vs. while one is together "in circle"] is an entirely different matter and much more eclectic). I’ve also recently been ill, which disabled me from actively doing anything for a while. I’m excited to finally be well again and able to participate in living life.

I’d love to hear about related experiences, if anyone cares to share. Have you ever been so convinced something is not right for you, but then have some kind of breakthrough/revelation/shift and realize you were wrong–that thing is, in fact, exactly what you need?

Sometimes you have to stop fighting and just trust and submit, in order to get where you’re going.

I have to say, I do wish more Neo-Pagan folks would check out this book. I find a lot of them stick too closely within their defined path and don’t read or explore much beyond magick, the Gods, ritual, healing, divination, etc. I wonder if there’s a fear of being saddled with that much-maligned monolith: New Age…? Or maybe people just aren’t interested; I don’t know. I do know that there is a lot to learn here and in other non-Pagan, yet metaphysical, books. In fact, if there was more emphasis on “enlightenment” or consciousness raising among covens and groves, they may not experience all the egotism and power struggles which inevitably arise. Some groups, of course, are strong and surmount these challenges, but others are not. Just think what a better shot they’d have if their members were actively trying to better themselves spiritually, not just magickally.

I myself have recognized, finally, what it is about the traditional coven with which I’m studying that repels me. (I’m wrapping up the 2nd year of class–I am a Dedicate–but have decided not to initiate.) It is the egotism, used in the way Tolle uses it, and the hypocrisy this causes. I’ve heard certain ideals espoused and proclaimed, even, as why this tradition is unique, family-like, and long-lived. I’ve just as often seen pride, ignorance, and exclusivity take over.

I’m certainly not perfect, either, but I find it hard to submit to a tradition’s hierarchy and protocol when I feel to be on a peer-level with some of the “higher-ups.” Now there may be Elders who do deserve both their status and my absolute respect. But until I find myself studying under one, why should I feign the position of student? I have as much to teach as the rest. This just struck me as sounding prideful. What I really mean is–why can’t we all share our diverse knowledge and experience, instead of having an appointed teacher (i.e. High Priest/ess), who may or may not deserve the position?  

It sounds like I’m headed for a non-traditional group. If only there were some Feri people in my area…