S’funny…

for me to look back at what I just wrote in early May. So many changes have occurred since then. I have now started down the path of becoming an initiate in selfsame tradition I complained about before.

*Shakes head, with amused chuckle*

I can’t say that anything changed in a logical manner or even that a specific sequence of events led me here. I honestly can’t even remember when everything shifted, but I don’t think it was actually too long after those posts. I believe I knew by June or July, at the latest, that I wanted to ask for initiation.

It was as if a switch had suddenly flipped. I was in the dark and didn’t get it or want it, and then, suddenly, I did. I began to understand and accept things I didn’t connect with at all before. And it was an entirely inner process of change; no one sat me down and tried to “convince me” or “make me understand” anything. Of course, that’s really not the way of this group anyway. If you don’t truly desire to participate or learn, why would they chase you down?

I do remember that around the time of my last dedicate’s class, which I think was in late July or August (?)–I’ll have to check on the date–I began to feel a pressure. I felt something inside my belly and chest throbbing, almost a heat, whenever I thought about or heard someone mention initiation or being an initiate. A few times I felt it at the back of my head, too. I also once heard someone repeat, in a whisper, but a powerfully compelling one, “Initiate. Initiate.” And, of course, I myself began to want it. I began to finally feel a part of this group, the teaching grove I was in as well as the “mother coven.” I began to feel proud to be associated with them, to be proud of them and their integrity and power. I had always referred to them as “the group I’m studying with,”  and said “in their tradition.” The first time I caught myself calling it “my tradition,” I was a little surprised, but decided there might be something there to look at more closely.

Another part of it may have been the work that began with A New Earth earlier in the year. My ego and pride definitely began to break apart from assimilating that material, and I think I had a lot of prideful reactions to things I experienced in the Grove. My main pain and fear was feeling left out, slighted, or being disliked/unimportant. It’s amazing how much you can mistakenly read into conversations or situations when you approach everything from that place of pain and fear, even without knowing you’re doing so. I’d say a lot, if not all, of that has completely dissolved for me, which is quite freeing and illuminating.

So far, it has been a slow process, probably exacerbated because I am so stubborn when it comes to someone else telling me what to do. (I have a strong intuitive sense of what is right and wrong for me and am more mystic than ritualist, which makes for an interesting interaction with traditionalists. I have found, however, that personal practice [vs. while one is together "in circle"] is an entirely different matter and much more eclectic). I’ve also recently been ill, which disabled me from actively doing anything for a while. I’m excited to finally be well again and able to participate in living life.

I’d love to hear about related experiences, if anyone cares to share. Have you ever been so convinced something is not right for you, but then have some kind of breakthrough/revelation/shift and realize you were wrong–that thing is, in fact, exactly what you need?

Sometimes you have to stop fighting and just trust and submit, in order to get where you’re going.

Early Morning Woe

Do you ever feel, I don’t know, more…bitter or hardened as you get older? I mean, I know many of us have had to grow protective shells because of extreme personal sensitivity, but it’s more than that.
 
In particular, I’ve been thinking of losing friends. It’s different to lose someone from death or distance and mutually growing apart than it is from them choosing to lose you. And not just an acquaintance or a “hang-out friend:” a true soul’s companion, a friend you’ve shared many experiences with, someone you’ve opened your heart to, who may have even taken great care with/of you at one time. How can this caring just suddenly be shut off? How does one not have the ability to forget, forgive, or repair? What about the times when there is nothing in particular to forgive or work on, but they just go away of their own volition? I just don’t understand that choice–to have invested so much emotion, time, and support into a person, and then suddenly decide to not care–and I guess I never will until or if I ever make that choice myself.
 
I guess it’s good, in a way, because you realize that all you really ever have IS yourself. And Gods know, I can and will survive. It does make you stronger, although it feels like a hard, cut-off strength. On the other hand, of course, it’s incredibly heartbreaking and almost disturbing. The worst thing is when you realize you’ve begun to subconsciously expect/suspect it, that people you care about will just choose to walk away one day and never look back. That’s where the ruefulness, the slight bitterness in character comes into play.
 
Does this mean I hold back or don’t trust as much? Unfortunately for me, no. I throw my whole heart out there all the time. Maybe I trust a little bit less, but mostly I just feel resigned to it. To the inevitable, I almost wrote.  And when I’m speaking of “true friends,” I mean those who could be actually just friends, or lovers, or family members even. Thankfully, I’ve not yet had a family member leave me in this way, and so am relating more to the pain of other relationships.
 
It makes me feel…very alone. Because–it seems–it doesn’t matter in the end how much you care for someone. They can always close the door. I guess I just wonder when or if I’ll ever find someone (beyond my wonderful parents) with the capacity to let me into their heart as fully as I let others’ into mine, and will want keep me there, permanently. Unconditional love–that’s it. I guess maybe that’s something that’s difficult for the non-Piscean human to achieve, I don’t know, or most humans in general. I seem to have too much of it.

WWGD?

In a lighter vein, I’ve recently begun wondering, “What would Gabrielle do?” in certain situations. I confess I’ve been catching up on Xena episodes lately and have finally gotten to the ones I hadn’t seen before(Seasons 5&6).  Of course, when I ponder this, I’m thinking of the peacenik, more bardy Gabrielle, pre-Eli and Eli-following. The actress who plays Gabrielle manages, quite wonderfully, to imbue the character with a sense of inner knowing and peace. Yet she never loses her sense of humor and mischief. Something to aspire to…

(I’m being tongue-in-cheek here, but there truly are some spiritual goodies in some of the episodes. You’ll just have to watch to understand.)

Feri…?

So I’ve been drawn toward studing Feri for almost a year now. I have yet to undertake this, as I’m still finishing up my dedicate class with the traditional coven I’ve been with for two and a half years. I should be done in late June or July, I think (unless we postpone class for some reason).

What intrigues me, from what I’ve read online and the little I’ve read so far of T. Thorn Coyle’s Evolutionary Witchcraft, is the emphasis on personal development, inner transformation, personal power and creativity, and lack of strong structure or hierarchy. In this last point, I may be wrong–I’ve read one person online commenting on how Feri tended toward hierarchy and the egotism or “game-playing” that comes with it (sometimes). (This is the only person I’ve heard mention this, however, so I don’t know if they just had a bad experience or what.)

In any case, I plan on going back to Thorn Coyle’s book and finishing it this summer. I’ve cursorily looked into the different braches and read about BlackHeart, Storm Faerywolf’s, Vicia, and the Third Road branches, as well as the offshoot, Reclaiming. At this point, I gravitate toward Storm and Thorn and Reclaiming, but we’ll see once I’ve finished her book.

I just wish there was a group or an initiate closer by to my location so I didn’t have to consider flying somewhere or long distance education.

A New Earth–New Age Vs. Metaphysical

I just thought I should clarify my position a little and say that I don’t really consider A New Earth to be “New Age.” I thought about editing my last post to state as much but decided to just add another. As I said in my reply comment to Semjaza, I would call it more of a metaphysical or self-help book, which is highly influenced by Buddhism. I know a lot of people group all of these together anyway, or at least New Age with metaphysical, so it may not matter, but to me, they’re three different categories. In fact, to me, New Age is a pretty outdated term, and metaphysical makes much more sense nowadays. Of course, I guess to many that this is all just semantics and my own personal take, in any case. I’d love to hear from others how they feel about these terms–if they prefer one over the other, why, or if they feel they’re the same thing. Just in general, although if someone wanted to discuss in which category/categories they place the Tolle book, this is fine, too.

Why Don’t Neo-Pagans Read New Age Books?

I have to say, I do wish more Neo-Pagan folks would check out this book. I find a lot of them stick too closely within their defined path and don’t read or explore much beyond magick, the Gods, ritual, healing, divination, etc. I wonder if there’s a fear of being saddled with that much-maligned monolith: New Age…? Or maybe people just aren’t interested; I don’t know. I do know that there is a lot to learn here and in other non-Pagan, yet metaphysical, books. In fact, if there was more emphasis on “enlightenment” or consciousness raising among covens and groves, they may not experience all the egotism and power struggles which inevitably arise. Some groups, of course, are strong and surmount these challenges, but others are not. Just think what a better shot they’d have if their members were actively trying to better themselves spiritually, not just magickally.

I myself have recognized, finally, what it is about the traditional coven with which I’m studying that repels me. (I’m wrapping up the 2nd year of class–I am a Dedicate–but have decided not to initiate.) It is the egotism, used in the way Tolle uses it, and the hypocrisy this causes. I’ve heard certain ideals espoused and proclaimed, even, as why this tradition is unique, family-like, and long-lived. I’ve just as often seen pride, ignorance, and exclusivity take over.

I’m certainly not perfect, either, but I find it hard to submit to a tradition’s hierarchy and protocol when I feel to be on a peer-level with some of the “higher-ups.” Now there may be Elders who do deserve both their status and my absolute respect. But until I find myself studying under one, why should I feign the position of student? I have as much to teach as the rest. This just struck me as sounding prideful. What I really mean is–why can’t we all share our diverse knowledge and experience, instead of having an appointed teacher (i.e. High Priest/ess), who may or may not deserve the position?  

It sounds like I’m headed for a non-traditional group. If only there were some Feri people in my area…

Starting Over

So now that I’ve finished A New Earth, as has my spiritual book club, we’ve decided to start again from the beginning. Although some of what Eckhart Tolle has to say about spiritual enlightenment, or Awakening, has been said many times before, for some reason, his specific words and the way he phrases them connect on a deeper level for many. I have definitely felt the “shift” in consciousness he speaks of. After absorbing the material this first time around, I am now ready to re-read the chapters and focus more on the questions in the workbook Oprah has made available. I am ready to examine my experiences and my little self more fully.

Book Chat: A New Earth

Have you read this yet? Why not?

If you’re looking for a new spiritually-focused, self-help type book, try Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth–it’s seriously the most helpful book I think I’ve ever read. Even though I don’t usually like using this term, I feel like it’s my new ‘Bible’–there are so many useful applications to daily life and how to make it better.
 
The author’s basic premise is that the reason people feel unhappy in life is because they are trapped in a cycle of repetitive thought and emotion, and, therefore, aren’t really experiencing life, as in your creative life-force. You are not your thoughts, emotions, sensory perceptions, or even your life experiences. You are the awareness behind all of this, the space in which all of this occurs. Your true essence is consciousness–awareness–Presence. If one awakens to this and is able to recognize themselves as awareness, everything which ‘happens’ becomes much more easy to deal with.

This may sound a little conceptual or not practical at all, but believe me, read the book until at least the end of chapter 2. It really does become applicable and practical in one’s life. To me, it feels almost like a form of meditation which has instant effects on your ability to remain calm in tense or annoying situations. It also, almost more importantly, helps people deal with their own suffering, a lot of which is self-imposed by repetitive negative thoughts and emotions.
 
He uses quite a few quotes or examples from both Buddhist and Christian sources; to me, it feels more in alignment with certain Buddhist concepts. In any case, it’s not a religious book–it’s a spiritual one, and I don’t think anyone, except maybe the most fundamentalist of people, wouldn’t be able to use it to improve their lives and themselves.
 
I’ve really been transformed by this book and hope you give it a chance, too. If you’re curious but uncertain, there are free webcast discussions about each chapter between Oprah and the author, Eckhart Tolle (with people calling or skyping in with questions) here:

Webcasts  

Download Discussions as Video, Audio, or Transcripts
These will give you a good feel for if it’s something you actually want to read.